France And Germany Say No

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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France And Germany Say No

At a recent NATO meeting, France and Germany expressed reluctance to lend military support to the U.S. if it invades Iraq. What do you think?
  • "I can understand France pussin' out, but Germany?"

    Tom Robinson Systems Analyst
  • "Has it been explained to the Germans that the Iraqis are Semites?"

    Paul Ryback Delivery Driver
  • "I'm sorry, but why should France and Germany have a say in what goes on all the way over in Iraq?"

    Christina Davies Dental Hygienist
  • "That's a shame. It would have been hilarious to see the French running around the desert in their froofy Stratego uniforms."

    Fred Eckers Machinist
  • "Oh, shit. I'm forced to side with France on something."

    Carolyn Kass Psychologist
  • "Hey, Mr. President. When even the Germans don't want to fight, take the fucking hint."

    Craig George Architect

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