Free Needles To Drug Users?

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Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Free Needles To Drug Users?

President Clinton recently voiced strong opposition to a proposal to distribute free needles to heroin users to fight the spread of AIDS, claiming that such a plan would only encourage drug use. What do you think?
  • "I've never really considered becoming a heroin addict, but if the needles are free, why not?"

    Joan Toth
    Speech Pathologist
  • "As a dry cleaner, I say what we need to do is provide heroin users with one-hour needle martinizing."

    Dry Cleaner
    Craig Orr
  • "If we give out free needles to heroin addicts, how can we be sure diabetics won't take them and use them for their own purposes?"

    Joseph Funderburke
    Lawyer
  • "The statistics show that heroin users who share needles have a very strong chance of getting really fucking high."

    Ken Schwab
    Systems Analyst
  • "As long as you aren't shooting up with homos, there shouldn't be any danger of catching the gay AIDS."

    Elaine Steffens
    Advertising Executive
  • "Giving needles to heroin addicts? What's next–calls anywhere in the continental U.S. at just 10 cents a minute?"

    Lucas Kingery
    Biologist