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Free Needles To Drug Users?

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Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Free Needles To Drug Users?

President Clinton recently voiced strong opposition to a proposal to distribute free needles to heroin users to fight the spread of AIDS, claiming that such a plan would only encourage drug use. What do you think?
  • "I've never really considered becoming a heroin addict, but if the needles are free, why not?"

    Joan Toth
    Speech Pathologist
  • "As a dry cleaner, I say what we need to do is provide heroin users with one-hour needle martinizing."

    Dry Cleaner
    Craig Orr
  • "If we give out free needles to heroin addicts, how can we be sure diabetics won't take them and use them for their own purposes?"

    Joseph Funderburke
    Lawyer
  • "The statistics show that heroin users who share needles have a very strong chance of getting really fucking high."

    Ken Schwab
    Systems Analyst
  • "As long as you aren't shooting up with homos, there shouldn't be any danger of catching the gay AIDS."

    Elaine Steffens
    Advertising Executive
  • "Giving needles to heroin addicts? What's next–calls anywhere in the continental U.S. at just 10 cents a minute?"

    Lucas Kingery
    Biologist

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