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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Free Needles To Drug Users?

President Clinton recently voiced strong opposition to a proposal to distribute free needles to heroin users to fight the spread of AIDS, claiming that such a plan would only encourage drug use. What do you think?
  • "I've never really considered becoming a heroin addict, but if the needles are free, why not?"

    Joan Toth Speech Pathologist
  • "As a dry cleaner, I say what we need to do is provide heroin users with one-hour needle martinizing."

    Dry Cleaner Craig Orr
  • "If we give out free needles to heroin addicts, how can we be sure diabetics won't take them and use them for their own purposes?"

    Joseph Funderburke Lawyer
  • "The statistics show that heroin users who share needles have a very strong chance of getting really fucking high."

    Ken Schwab Systems Analyst
  • "As long as you aren't shooting up with homos, there shouldn't be any danger of catching the gay AIDS."

    Elaine Steffens Advertising Executive
  • "Giving needles to heroin addicts? What's next–calls anywhere in the continental U.S. at just 10 cents a minute?"

    Lucas Kingery Biologist
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