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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Free Needles To Drug Users?

President Clinton recently voiced strong opposition to a proposal to distribute free needles to heroin users to fight the spread of AIDS, claiming that such a plan would only encourage drug use. What do you think?
  • "I've never really considered becoming a heroin addict, but if the needles are free, why not?"

    Joan Toth Speech Pathologist
  • "As a dry cleaner, I say what we need to do is provide heroin users with one-hour needle martinizing."

    Dry Cleaner Craig Orr
  • "If we give out free needles to heroin addicts, how can we be sure diabetics won't take them and use them for their own purposes?"

    Joseph Funderburke Lawyer
  • "The statistics show that heroin users who share needles have a very strong chance of getting really fucking high."

    Ken Schwab Systems Analyst
  • "As long as you aren't shooting up with homos, there shouldn't be any danger of catching the gay AIDS."

    Elaine Steffens Advertising Executive
  • "Giving needles to heroin addicts? What's next–calls anywhere in the continental U.S. at just 10 cents a minute?"

    Lucas Kingery Biologist

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