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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Free Needles To Drug Users?

President Clinton recently voiced strong opposition to a proposal to distribute free needles to heroin users to fight the spread of AIDS, claiming that such a plan would only encourage drug use. What do you think?
  • "I've never really considered becoming a heroin addict, but if the needles are free, why not?"

    Joan Toth Speech Pathologist
  • "As a dry cleaner, I say what we need to do is provide heroin users with one-hour needle martinizing."

    Dry Cleaner Craig Orr
  • "If we give out free needles to heroin addicts, how can we be sure diabetics won't take them and use them for their own purposes?"

    Joseph Funderburke Lawyer
  • "The statistics show that heroin users who share needles have a very strong chance of getting really fucking high."

    Ken Schwab Systems Analyst
  • "As long as you aren't shooting up with homos, there shouldn't be any danger of catching the gay AIDS."

    Elaine Steffens Advertising Executive
  • "Giving needles to heroin addicts? What's next–calls anywhere in the continental U.S. at just 10 cents a minute?"

    Lucas Kingery Biologist
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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