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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Freeze-Resistant Cockroaches Invade Manhattan

A particularly hardy species of Asian cockroach known as Periplaneta japonica, which can withstand freezing temperatures and winter conditions, has been found in Manhattan, its first confirmed presence in the United States. What do you think?

  • “Great, just another thing obnoxious New Yorkers get to brag about.”

    Curtis Toth Computer Salesman
  • “Never heard of it, and I’ve been freezing bugs for a while.”

    Leona Wolf Rug Weaver
  • “Takashi made it alive to New York! Yay!”

    Ken Okita Carpenter

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