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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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French President Receives New Camel After First Eaten

The government of Mali will give French president Francois Hollande a “bigger and better-looking” camel as a gift for France’s help in defeating Muslim rebels after the original camel, which Hollande left with a family in Timbuktu, was promptly killed and eaten in a stew. What do you think?

  • “Great, now you’ve got me all hungry for camel.”

    Spiro Heuer Electrician
  • “I’m a little confused about the etiquette here. How long can someone leave their camel at your house before you’re allowed to eat it?”

    Rosalie Heitman Jukebox Servicer
  • “See, that’s why I always make sure to keep a close watch on my camel, because otherwise—oh, no, Annabelle!”

    Ernie Gallavan Septic Tank Installer

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