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Fruit Flies Seek Out Alcohol

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SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

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MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

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Fruit Flies Seek Out Alcohol

An Emory University study published in the journal Current Biology shows that common fruit flies often seek out fermented fruit for nourishment in order to self-medicate against the threat of deadly parasitic wasps. What do you think?

  • “That’s fine, as long as they’re not flying anywhere for awhile.”

    Arturo de Sá
    Dresser Tender
  • “I'm sure at least some of those flies also drink because of their crippling depression.”

    Susan Hall
    Spice Cleaner
  • “That’s bullshit. Any time I’ve lobbed fireworks at a wasp nest, being drunk never protected me.”

    Brian Matthews
    Grip Assembler

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