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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Future Of Moon Mission In Doubt

Due to financial constraints, NASA's plans to return to the moon are no longer in the Obama budget. What do you think?
  • "That's just another few years Buzz Aldrin will have to wait to get his wallet back."

    Matt Breckman Parking Attendant
  • "It's about time the government put space exploration in the capable hands of the private sector. I personally can't wait to ride on the Arby's 1."

    Jody Hanson Milk Hauler
  • "But moon people turned out in record droves to vote Democrat!"

    Christian Yazbek Salt Spreader

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