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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Gabby Giffords Tells Congress To Act On Gun Control

Former Arizona representative Gabrielle Giffords, who was shot in the head in 2011, delivered the opening remarks yesterday at a congressional hearing on gun violence that later featured testimony from NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre. What do you think?

  • “Come on. If everyone who got shot felt the need to speak to Congress about gun control, we’d never hear the end of it.”

    Janet Mooney Unemployed
  • “Think of the courage, strength, and determination it took to come back and address the nation like LaPierre did after these shootings.”

    Larry Campisi Block Maker
  • “Until I hear the side of a deranged mass shooter I don’t know what to think.”

    Alonzo Marshall Herbarium Curator

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