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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Gay Adoption

Rosie O'Donnell, an adoptive parent and newly out lesbian, called Florida's and President Bush's opposition to gay adoption "wrong." What do you think?
  • "Rosie O'Donnell and her kind should not be allowed to adopt. You have no idea how bad it fucks kids up to be raised by celebrities."

    George Kiehl Truck Driver
  • "You know, maybe gay adoption will scare conservatives enough that they'll consider safe, legal abortion as an alternative."

    Wendy Mota Physical Therapist
  • "The law needs to make a distinction here. Are we talking regular gay or whoo-hoo-fabulous gay?"

    Chris Chance Prep Cook
  • "As long as they're closeted gays, I have no problem with it."

    Dan Durkee Bond Trader
  • "Homosexuals should be allowed to adopt kids, but they should not be allowed to molest them. I firmly believe that."

    David Whitten Systems Analyst
  • "The last thing we need is to put children in the hands of people who actually want them."

    Roberta Diamond Teacher

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