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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Gay Marriage

Last week, the Massachusetts high court sanctioned same-sex marriages in that state. What do you think?
  • "Same-sex unions will only serve to weaken the institution of marriage for the rest of us. My wife and I can barely stand each other as it is."

    Karl Collins Mechanical Engineer
  • "How will they decide who's going to wear the wedding dress?! Whoa! Sorry for being so 'politically incorrect'!"

    Joe Perez Waiter
  • "What's the big deal? It's legal now. My sister's married to a gay guy and everyone knows it."

    Frances Evans Producer
  • "Great. Just when I finally get my mother to accept that I'm gay, she has a whole new thing to nag me about: getting married."

    Walter Hill Systems Analyst
  • "Some fag better not try marrying me. These days, you fuck a guy one time and he pulls out a ring."

    Jerry Turner Musician
  • "As an overweight, emotionally needy fag hag, I strongly oppose all gay marriage legislation."

    Diane Morris Counselor

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