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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Gay Marriage

Last week, the Massachusetts high court sanctioned same-sex marriages in that state. What do you think?
  • "Same-sex unions will only serve to weaken the institution of marriage for the rest of us. My wife and I can barely stand each other as it is."

    Karl Collins Mechanical Engineer
  • "How will they decide who's going to wear the wedding dress?! Whoa! Sorry for being so 'politically incorrect'!"

    Joe Perez Waiter
  • "What's the big deal? It's legal now. My sister's married to a gay guy and everyone knows it."

    Frances Evans Producer
  • "Great. Just when I finally get my mother to accept that I'm gay, she has a whole new thing to nag me about: getting married."

    Walter Hill Systems Analyst
  • "Some fag better not try marrying me. These days, you fuck a guy one time and he pulls out a ring."

    Jerry Turner Musician
  • "As an overweight, emotionally needy fag hag, I strongly oppose all gay marriage legislation."

    Diane Morris Counselor

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