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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Gay Marriage

Last week, the Massachusetts high court sanctioned same-sex marriages in that state. What do you think?
  • "Same-sex unions will only serve to weaken the institution of marriage for the rest of us. My wife and I can barely stand each other as it is."

    Karl Collins Mechanical Engineer
  • "How will they decide who's going to wear the wedding dress?! Whoa! Sorry for being so 'politically incorrect'!"

    Joe Perez Waiter
  • "What's the big deal? It's legal now. My sister's married to a gay guy and everyone knows it."

    Frances Evans Producer
  • "Great. Just when I finally get my mother to accept that I'm gay, she has a whole new thing to nag me about: getting married."

    Walter Hill Systems Analyst
  • "Some fag better not try marrying me. These days, you fuck a guy one time and he pulls out a ring."

    Jerry Turner Musician
  • "As an overweight, emotionally needy fag hag, I strongly oppose all gay marriage legislation."

    Diane Morris Counselor
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