Gay Marriage

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Healthy Living

Gay Marriage

Last week, the Massachusetts high court sanctioned same-sex marriages in that state. What do you think?
  • "Same-sex unions will only serve to weaken the institution of marriage for the rest of us. My wife and I can barely stand each other as it is."

    Karl Collins
    Mechanical Engineer
  • "How will they decide who's going to wear the wedding dress?! Whoa! Sorry for being so 'politically incorrect'!"

    Joe Perez
    Waiter
  • "What's the big deal? It's legal now. My sister's married to a gay guy and everyone knows it."

    Frances Evans
    Producer
  • "Great. Just when I finally get my mother to accept that I'm gay, she has a whole new thing to nag me about: getting married."

    Walter Hill
    Systems Analyst
  • "Some fag better not try marrying me. These days, you fuck a guy one time and he pulls out a ring."

    Jerry Turner
    Musician
  • "As an overweight, emotionally needy fag hag, I strongly oppose all gay marriage legislation."

    Diane Morris
    Counselor