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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:
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Gay-Marriage Amendment

The US Senate voted yesterday on a proposed Constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage. What do you think?
  • "Hopefully this will put to rest the gays' filthy desire to file joint tax returns once and for all."

    Patrick Walsh Bulldozer Operator
  • "A ban on gay marriage is a good first step, but it's time to get serious about a complete ban on the institution."

    David Cherney Car Wash Attendant
  • "I won't rest until we declare heterosexuality the official sexuality of the United States."

    Ariel Kenner Piano Accompanist

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