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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Gay-Marriage Amendment

The US Senate voted yesterday on a proposed Constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage. What do you think?
  • "Hopefully this will put to rest the gays' filthy desire to file joint tax returns once and for all."

    Patrick Walsh Bulldozer Operator
  • "A ban on gay marriage is a good first step, but it's time to get serious about a complete ban on the institution."

    David Cherney Car Wash Attendant
  • "I won't rest until we declare heterosexuality the official sexuality of the United States."

    Ariel Kenner Piano Accompanist
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