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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Gay Marriage Could Be Profitable

According to a report from the city's comptroller, New York City would stand to gain $142 million in the first three years of legalized gay marriage. What do you think?
  • "Why? Does buying a gay melon baller at Tiffany's cost more than buying a straight melon baller at Tiffany's?"

    Katharine Epperson Video Editor
  • "$142 million! Boy, they really know how to pull an old conservative Republican's heart-strings!"

    Andre Milstead Drayman
  • "The city needn't permit something so crass and immoral to raise money. May I suggest legalized gambling as an alternative?"

    Harris Charles Systems Analyst

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