adBlockCheck

Recent News

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.
End Of Section
  • More News

Gay Marriage In San Francisco

Last week, California's Supreme Court voided about 4,000 same-sex marriages performed by the mayor of San Francisco earlier this year. What do you think?
  • "The court struck every single one down? Well, that makes the failure rate for gay marriages almost double that of straight marriages."

    Michael Harlson Banker
  • "Oh... well... oh, geez. I'm no good at talking about all this mushy stuff."

    Mark Jacobsen Systems Analyst
  • "In addition to being overturned legally, were these marriages officially annulled in the eyes of God? If not, these people could be condemned to hell!"

    Kathleen Hayes Teacher
  • "I had five weddings to attend in October, but now it's only three. That doesn't seem like much less, but believe me, it really helps."

    Jan Gorman Choreographer
  • "Did you hear this, Rod and Keenan? I want those wine glasses back!"

    Charles Lopez Driver
  • "Just to clarify, sodomy's still legal, isn't it? Well, all right then."

    Chris Gerber Dishwasher

More from this section

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close