adBlockCheck

Gaza Pullout

Top Headlines

International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Gaza Pullout

In an effort to reinvigorate the Middle East peace process, Israel fulfilled its pledge and withdrew from the Gaza Strip. What do you think?
  • "An end to over three decades of savage bloodshed over a tiny, ugly parcel of land... This is truly a sad day in the history of

    William McGeveren Radio Announcer
  • "Tell me they at least kept those beautiful, beautiful concrete demarcation walls up—they did? Oh, thank God."

    Elizabeth Barden Astronomer
  • "See, I knew that if the Palestinians ignored the Israelis for long enough, they'd go away."

    Cassandra L. Capo Preschool Teacher
  • "A Gaza home is affordable and can be yours! Contact me, Ramzi al-Yuusuf, at Hamas Realty, 08-636-8871."

    Ramzi al-Yuusuf Realtor
  • "I just can't believe that spineless peacenik Sharon knuckled under so quickly."

    Jay Jaffe Data-Entry Specialist
  • "Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, just tell me if it's good or bad this is happening, because I'm too goddamned confused by the last 30

    Martin Kenney Jr. Systems Analyst

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close