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Gaza Pullout

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Gaza Pullout

In an effort to reinvigorate the Middle East peace process, Israel fulfilled its pledge and withdrew from the Gaza Strip. What do you think?
  • "An end to over three decades of savage bloodshed over a tiny, ugly parcel of land... This is truly a sad day in the history of

    William McGeveren Radio Announcer
  • "Tell me they at least kept those beautiful, beautiful concrete demarcation walls up—they did? Oh, thank God."

    Elizabeth Barden Astronomer
  • "See, I knew that if the Palestinians ignored the Israelis for long enough, they'd go away."

    Cassandra L. Capo Preschool Teacher
  • "A Gaza home is affordable and can be yours! Contact me, Ramzi al-Yuusuf, at Hamas Realty, 08-636-8871."

    Ramzi al-Yuusuf Realtor
  • "I just can't believe that spineless peacenik Sharon knuckled under so quickly."

    Jay Jaffe Data-Entry Specialist
  • "Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, just tell me if it's good or bad this is happening, because I'm too goddamned confused by the last 30

    Martin Kenney Jr. Systems Analyst

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