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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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George Clooney Engaged

People magazine is reporting that after a string of high-profile relationships, 52-year-old actor George Clooney has popped the question to his girlfriend of less than a year, British-Lebanese human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin. What do you think?

  • “Men always start settling for beautiful, intelligent women after they turn 50.”

    Hoyt Peltzer Systems Analyst
  • “He usually tells me everything, so I doubt this is true.”

    Susan Luke Kitchen Designer
  • “Good. He’s had enough.”

    John Rialto City Comptroller

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