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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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George Lucas Retiring?

Star Wars director George Lucas announced that he will step away from his production company to focus on making smaller, more experimental films. What do you think?

  • “Good. The young-adult novel expansions on the comics based on the prequel movies were starting to get shitty.”

    Dirk Macaulay Systems Analyst
  • “What’s the point if the characters won’t make good Halloween costumes?”

    Liz Pinsent Employee Benefits Manager
  • “Hey, Michael Bay, don't get any bright ideas. We need you right where you are.”

    John Yancy Roller Coverer

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