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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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George W. Bush Not Attending RNC

Former president George W. Bush declined an invitation to attend next month’s Republican National Convention in Tampa, FL. What do you think?

  • “Probably for the best. I imagine his elocution’s a bit rusty.”

    Pete Noback Yeast Washer
  • “What a moron. I bet they would have comped his drinks and everything.”

    Sarah Rhem Unemployed
  • “I guess he realized politics just wasn’t for him.”

    Fabio Morales Foam Rubber Fabricator

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