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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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George W. Bush Undergoes Heart Surgery

Following the discovery of a blockage in one of George W. Bush’s arteries during his annual physical, doctors performed successful heart surgery on the former president Monday, inserting a stent to hold open his clogged blood vessel. What do you think?

  • “I hope he’s well enough to return to painting soon.”

    Cullen Fife Acid Purifier
  • “I hope whoever performed the surgery made it fun and pretended they were torturing him for nuclear codes the whole time.”

    Leigh Marcil Systems Analyst
  • “Annual physical? Pardon me, Mr. Rockefeller.”

    Buzz Sperry Balloon Manufacturer
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