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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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George W. Bush Undergoes Heart Surgery

Following the discovery of a blockage in one of George W. Bush’s arteries during his annual physical, doctors performed successful heart surgery on the former president Monday, inserting a stent to hold open his clogged blood vessel. What do you think?

  • “I hope he’s well enough to return to painting soon.”

    Cullen Fife Acid Purifier
  • “I hope whoever performed the surgery made it fun and pretended they were torturing him for nuclear codes the whole time.”

    Leigh Marcil Systems Analyst
  • “Annual physical? Pardon me, Mr. Rockefeller.”

    Buzz Sperry Balloon Manufacturer
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