Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

George Zimmerman Asks Florida To Pay His Legal Costs

Saying that the donations he received from supporters online had dwindled, George Zimmerman, who was acquitted last month in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin, will seek $300,000 from the state of Florida to cover legal costs he incurred in his defense. What do you think?

  • “Admittedly, it was a pretty big inconvenience for him.”

    Scott Southwell Keyboard Assembler
  • “Shooting another unarmed black kid would probably get that bigot money flowing again.”

    Gina Schaum Mathematician
  • “He needs to suck it up. That’s just the cost of doing murder in this country.”

    James Zulo Chisel Grinder

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.