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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Georgia's Evolution Stickers

Last week, a U.S. district judge ordered a Georgia school district to remove stickers reading, "Evolution is a theory, not a fact" from its textbooks. What do you think?
  • "The thing is, they're right. Evolution is nothing more than a well-supported, predictive, scientifically rigorous theory."

    Jered Garza Driver
  • "If you don't believe in creationism, then how do you explain the fact that I do, smart guy?"

    Carlton Fuller Teacher
  • "Good. Now could New York please take the sticker off my literature textbook that says Surrealism is just a school of thought often in conflict with Abstractism?"

    Melanie Burton Systems Analyst
  • "Maybe now a judge will press Georgia schools to remove the 'Mr. Yuk' stickers from books by black authors."

    Susan McKinney Painter
  • "Man, I gotta get one of those stickers for my guitar case. That'd be awesome."

    Danny Hale Plumber
  • "I hope they replaced the old stickers with new ones that read, 'Do not burn.'"

    Brad Dawson Novelist
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