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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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German Thieves Steal 5.5 Tons Of Nutella

Thieves in the town Bad Hersfeld, Germany stole five and a half tons of the chocolate-hazelnut spread Nutella from a parked semi truck trailer, a heist valued at over $20,000. What do you think?

  • “I love Nutella as much as anyone, but I can’t imagine myself ever stealing more than a ton of it.”

    Trudy Haack Garment Inspector
  • “Boy, it’s going to be impossible to launder all that Nutella.”

    Keith Melazzo Projectionist
  • “Yet another stain on the Fatherland.”

    Falco Bachmeier Crop Scientist
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