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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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German Thieves Steal 5.5 Tons Of Nutella

Thieves in the town Bad Hersfeld, Germany stole five and a half tons of the chocolate-hazelnut spread Nutella from a parked semi truck trailer, a heist valued at over $20,000. What do you think?

  • “I love Nutella as much as anyone, but I can’t imagine myself ever stealing more than a ton of it.”

    Trudy Haack Garment Inspector
  • “Boy, it’s going to be impossible to launder all that Nutella.”

    Keith Melazzo Projectionist
  • “Yet another stain on the Fatherland.”

    Falco Bachmeier Crop Scientist

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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