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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Giant Hornets Terrorize Central China

The Chinese province of Shaanxi has been devastated by Asian giant hornets, which are the size of a human thumb and have venom capable of causing kidney failure, with hornet attacks hospitalizing over 200 citizens and injuring nearly 1,500 more this year. What do you think?

  • “I suppose if there’s a silver lining to be found in this, it’s that it doesn’t affect me.”

    Nathaniel Friedlander Wheelbarrow Maker
  • “Leave it to Shaanxi to get themselves infested with a bunch of hornets.”

    Mona Delmonico Library Science Professor
  • “Good. Now when I’m asked about the size of my thumb, I have something to compare it to.”

    Shane Myrick Sommelier

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