Giant, Voracious Snails Invade Florida

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Giant, Voracious Snails Invade Florida

South Florida is struggling to deal with an infestation of invasive giant African land snails, which can grow to the size of rats, readily consume over 500 native species, and are known to enjoy chewing on the stucco common to Florida’s housing. What do you think?

  • “I say we cut our losses and just give Florida to the snails.”

    Anderson Grier
    Missionary
  • “They seem like go-getters wanting their piece of the American dream. Who are any of us to stop them?”

    Nadia Jenkinson
    Parachute Mender
  • “I’m with the snails. Stucco is delicious.”

    Donald Priestley
    Barber