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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Giant, Voracious Snails Invade Florida

South Florida is struggling to deal with an infestation of invasive giant African land snails, which can grow to the size of rats, readily consume over 500 native species, and are known to enjoy chewing on the stucco common to Florida’s housing. What do you think?

  • “I say we cut our losses and just give Florida to the snails.”

    Anderson Grier Missionary
  • “They seem like go-getters wanting their piece of the American dream. Who are any of us to stop them?”

    Nadia Jenkinson Parachute Mender
  • “I’m with the snails. Stucco is delicious.”

    Donald Priestley Barber

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