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Giant, Voracious Snails Invade Florida

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Giant, Voracious Snails Invade Florida

South Florida is struggling to deal with an infestation of invasive giant African land snails, which can grow to the size of rats, readily consume over 500 native species, and are known to enjoy chewing on the stucco common to Florida’s housing. What do you think?

  • “I say we cut our losses and just give Florida to the snails.”

    Anderson Grier Missionary
  • “They seem like go-getters wanting their piece of the American dream. Who are any of us to stop them?”

    Nadia Jenkinson Parachute Mender
  • “I’m with the snails. Stucco is delicious.”

    Donald Priestley Barber

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