adBlockCheck

Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
End Of Section
  • More News

Gingrich Loses Top Advisers

Several of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich's top campaign aides resigned Thursday, putting the future of his presidential bid in doubt. What do you think?

  • "Interesting. Maybe I'll vote for him now that he's under new management."

    Morgan Fraser Rotary-Driller Feeder
  • "He was being advised that whole time? Oh, boy."

    Jill Baldursson Back Tufter
  • "It's just awful. I heard these people, whom Newt adored and trusted with all his heart, walked out on him for Tim Pawlenty, a younger, sexier candidate. I can't think of anything that Newt Gingrich did in his life to deserve a punishment like this."

    Lawrence Gomel Systems Analyst

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close