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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Gingrich Photo Op: $50

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich is charging supporters $50 to pose for a photo with him. What do you think?

  • "Pricey, sure, but just think how impressed your grandkids will be when they see a picture of you with some guy."

    Brian Offer Base Filler
  • "Is there a surcharge if I bring along a couple sombreros for us to wear?"

    Katie Wilson Open-Developer Operator
  • "Gingrich is so creative when it comes to paying down debts, we'd be stupid not to elect him president."

    Gary Andreoni Head Teller

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