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Girl Sells Record 18,000 Boxes Of Girl Scout Cookies

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

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CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Girl Sells Record 18,000 Boxes Of Girl Scout Cookies

Oklahoma middle school student Katie Francis broke the national Girl Scout cookie sales record by selling more than 18,000 boxes in seven weeks, attributing her success to asking everyone she sees to buy a box. What do you think?

  • “Always good to see a budding capitalist sociopath be a girl for a change.”

    Cameron Griffith Custodian
  • “She didn’t sell cookies. Cookies sell themselves.”

    Derek Rankin Health Inspector
  • “She’s going to be rich!”

    Taylor Finke Sales Representative

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