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A Primer On The Dark Web

With many crimes now originating on encrypted areas of the internet, many wonder about the so-called dark web and its activities. The Onion provides a primer on this obscured digital space:

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.
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Glenn's Return To Space

Last Thursday, 36 years after becoming the first American in orbit, 77-year-old John Glenn made a triumphant return to space aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery. What do you think?
  • "This is a triumph, not just for the space program, but for all of America. It's too bad he's gonna die up there."

    Ellen Bolling Florist
  • "I was in favor of shooting Senator Glenn until I heard the 'into space' part."

    Craig Jensen Roofer
  • "Depending on the success of this mission, NASA may yet be convinced of my plan to rocket the elderly into the sun."

    Kerri Olson Teacher
  • "Didn't Tom Wolfe say you can't go back into space again?"

    Todd Daley Systems Analyst
  • "This time, Glenn's stammering wife had damn well better speak to LBJ like she's told."

    Mitch Hurd Geologist
  • "USA! USA! US–! What? This is a naked P.R. ploy by NASA with little scientific significance and, as such, is a disgrace to the space program and an affront to taxpayers, who must foot the $500 million bill? USA! USA! USA!"

    Paul Agganis Machinist
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