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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Glenn's Return To Space

Last Thursday, 36 years after becoming the first American in orbit, 77-year-old John Glenn made a triumphant return to space aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery. What do you think?
  • "This is a triumph, not just for the space program, but for all of America. It's too bad he's gonna die up there."

    Ellen Bolling Florist
  • "I was in favor of shooting Senator Glenn until I heard the 'into space' part."

    Craig Jensen Roofer
  • "Depending on the success of this mission, NASA may yet be convinced of my plan to rocket the elderly into the sun."

    Kerri Olson Teacher
  • "Didn't Tom Wolfe say you can't go back into space again?"

    Todd Daley Systems Analyst
  • "This time, Glenn's stammering wife had damn well better speak to LBJ like she's told."

    Mitch Hurd Geologist
  • "USA! USA! US–! What? This is a naked P.R. ploy by NASA with little scientific significance and, as such, is a disgrace to the space program and an affront to taxpayers, who must foot the $500 million bill? USA! USA! USA!"

    Paul Agganis Machinist

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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