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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Glenn's Return To Space

Last Thursday, 36 years after becoming the first American in orbit, 77-year-old John Glenn made a triumphant return to space aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery. What do you think?
  • "This is a triumph, not just for the space program, but for all of America. It's too bad he's gonna die up there."

    Ellen Bolling Florist
  • "I was in favor of shooting Senator Glenn until I heard the 'into space' part."

    Craig Jensen Roofer
  • "Depending on the success of this mission, NASA may yet be convinced of my plan to rocket the elderly into the sun."

    Kerri Olson Teacher
  • "Didn't Tom Wolfe say you can't go back into space again?"

    Todd Daley Systems Analyst
  • "This time, Glenn's stammering wife had damn well better speak to LBJ like she's told."

    Mitch Hurd Geologist
  • "USA! USA! US–! What? This is a naked P.R. ploy by NASA with little scientific significance and, as such, is a disgrace to the space program and an affront to taxpayers, who must foot the $500 million bill? USA! USA! USA!"

    Paul Agganis Machinist

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