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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Global Dementia To Triple By 2050

As quality of life improves around the world, the rate of dementia is on track to triple within the next 40 years, creating a financial burden on those caring for aging family members. What do you think?

  • "So the good news is that the quality of life increases, but the bad news is that the quality of life decreases?"

    Pam Chapman Systems Analyst
  • "Uh-oh. I'd better sit down with my parents and have a talk with them about how terrible they were to me while they can still remember it."

    Lucas Smith Butcher
  • "That sounds like a problem for my brother. That guy loves taking on all our family's stresses and yelling at us about them later. Go Dan!"

    Adam Hines Board Mixer Tender

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