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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Global Military Spending Declines

Overall spending on militaries worldwide fell to $1.75 trillion in 2012, down 0.5 percent from the previous year and marking the first recorded drop in global military spending since 1998. What do you think?

  • “My wish for world peace came 0.5 percent true!”

    Louise Pearce Emergency Dispatcher
  • “God, now we’re going to have the lamest wars.”

    Miguel Flores Harness Rigger
  • “Now nothing can stop me! Ha ha ha ha ha!”

    Evan Townsend Diamond Cutter

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