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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Global Warming Heats Up

Last week, President Bush rejected the 1997 Kyoto Protocol, which requires industrialized nations to curb greenhouse-gas emissions. What do you think?
  • "I'm sorry, but it's vital to the health of the U.S. economy that we destroy the entire Earth."

    Chris Stratton Delivery Driver
  • "As a Nader supporter, I'm thrilled to see the Green Party's master plan working so perfectly."

    Debbie Honig Student
  • "I'm with Bush: What have future generations ever done for me?"

    James Burkholtz Mechanical Engineer
  • "I'm against global warming. I'm also against altering my lifestyle in any way whatsoever to reduce it."

    Patricia Volk Homemaker
  • "SUV owners can help reduce toxic emissions by parking in enclosed garages, stopping up their exhaust pipes, getting back into their cars, and tightly sealing all windows and doors."

    Frank Toome Systems Analyst
  • "As a resident of Greenland, I only have one thing to say: goodbye."

    Larry Blunstone Shopkeeper
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