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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Global Warming Making People More Violent

A study published in the journal Science found that extremely hot and dry weather resulted in greater levels of conflict, and posited that for every degree Fahrenheit increase in average temperature, violent crime in the U.S. would rise by 2 to 4 percent. What do you think?

  • “I tend to just want to take a nap.”

    Leonard Hegedus Induction Furnace Operator
  • “But the hotter it is the more ice cream trucks there will be!”

    Rob Still Dog Pound Attendant
  • “You’re really starting to piss me off.”

    Jayson Pearson Dairy Bacteriologist

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