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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Global Warming Skeptics Growing In Numbers

Since 2008, the number of people who don't believe in global warming has doubled to 16 percent. What do you think?
  • "Probably most guys could just use another week or so to reconcile the inconsistencies of recent individual findings with the broader scientific consensus."

    Brian Fouts Bid Assessor
  • "Luckily, you don't have to care about global warming to want to reap the benefits of composting."

    Cathey Goodall Census Enumerator
  • "At least the number of Holocaust deniers only grew by a third."

    Joseph Fossey Gang-Bore Operator
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