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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Gmail Offers Drunk E-Mail Protection

Gmail now provides an optional series of questions to make sure users are relatively sober before sending an e-mail. What do you think?
  • ''Great, now I have to waste a bunch of time migrating my entire ex-girlfriend address book over to Yahoo! mail."

    Nina Iyer Systems Analyst
  • "Listen, if I can fool my wife, my children, my boss, and everyone down at the county sheriff's office, I'm pretty sure I can fool Gmail."

    Charlie Pitt Forklift Operator
  • "Yeah, but those fuckmotherlers can't do nothin' about voice yelling at some dumb lying bitchisses who can fucking stick a cock in it, because I ain't payin' for that lost cue ball, it sank in the pocket and it never came out."

    Steve Herzog Investment Banker

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