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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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God Told Roberts To Quit University

Amidst charges of mishandling resources, Richard Roberts resigned from his post as president of the debt-saddled Oral Roberts University, saying God told him to step down. What do you think?
  • "Well now I'm confused, because over Thanksgiving God told me Roberts is full of shit."

    Bekkah Potter Bartender
  • "This would be a commendable move if God hadn't been seen driving around in that brand new Maserati."

    Ray Bayne Systems Analyst
  • "Looks like Roberts is applying the Christian ideal of apologizing and walking away once the shit has hit the fan."

    Alberto Rosa Furniture Assembler
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