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God Told Roberts To Quit University

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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God Told Roberts To Quit University

Amidst charges of mishandling resources, Richard Roberts resigned from his post as president of the debt-saddled Oral Roberts University, saying God told him to step down. What do you think?
  • "Well now I'm confused, because over Thanksgiving God told me Roberts is full of shit."

    Bekkah Potter Bartender
  • "This would be a commendable move if God hadn't been seen driving around in that brand new Maserati."

    Ray Bayne Systems Analyst
  • "Looks like Roberts is applying the Christian ideal of apologizing and walking away once the shit has hit the fan."

    Alberto Rosa Furniture Assembler

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