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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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GoDaddy CEO Posts Elephant Killing Video

Bob Parsons, the CEO of the web host GoDaddy.com, posted a video of himself killing an elephant in Africa, during which villagers wearing GoDaddy hats strip the elephant of its flesh. What do you think?

  • "Villagers wearing GoDaddy hats! This I’ve got to see."

    Adam Donahue Systems Analyst
  • "This would have never happened if Elephant.com would have just hosted with GoDaddy."

    Suzane Molina Numerical Control Machine Operator
  • "Well, I do have to admit this is sort of a let down after that commercial where he went around wearing the dripping husk of Danica Patrick."

    Justin Mercel Unemployed
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