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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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GoDaddy CEO Posts Elephant Killing Video

Bob Parsons, the CEO of the web host GoDaddy.com, posted a video of himself killing an elephant in Africa, during which villagers wearing GoDaddy hats strip the elephant of its flesh. What do you think?

  • "Villagers wearing GoDaddy hats! This I’ve got to see."

    Adam Donahue Systems Analyst
  • "This would have never happened if Elephant.com would have just hosted with GoDaddy."

    Suzane Molina Numerical Control Machine Operator
  • "Well, I do have to admit this is sort of a let down after that commercial where he went around wearing the dripping husk of Danica Patrick."

    Justin Mercel Unemployed

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