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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Google Algorithm Beats Board Game Champion

An algorithm designed by Google’s DeepMind artificial intelligence division has conquered the reigning champion of the board game Go, a feat that Facebook claims its own AI division is also close to achieving. What do you think?

  • “Fine, fine, I’ll get a computer.”

    Morgan Darby Leaflet Folder
  • “That’s not fair! Using a combination of complex algorithms to aid reinforcement learning is cheating!”

    Tiffany Wells Unemployed
  • “I’m sorry, but this AI stuff scares me to death. It’s only a matter of time until we wake up to find the world overrun with computers playing all sorts of board games.”

    Dennis Kalen Part-Time Laborer
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