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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Google Glass Users Facing Verbal, Physical Attacks

Amid rising tensions in San Francisco between native residents and wealthy tech entrepreneurs gentrifying the city, more reports have surfaced of anti-tech protesters targeting Google Glass wearers with physical attacks and verbal assaults like “Glasshole.” What do you think?

  • “I hope the attackers were careful to punch around the eyewear.”

    Jeff Duncan Systems Analyst
  • “People need to lighten up about being recorded every single moment of the day.”

    Susan Ripley Millwright
  • “Since Native Americans lived there first, who’s the real Glasshole?”

    Brady Morris Survey Researcher
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