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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Google Launches Subscription Music Service

Google unveiled a new streaming music service Wednesday called Google Play Music All Access to compete against Spotify and Pandora, though it will notably not offer users a free option. What do you think?

  • “Just the other day, I was wondering where I could listen to music online but pay for it.”

    Giles Gottlieb Goggles Assembler
  • “I don’t like streaming services. There’s just nothing quite like owning the original MP3.”

    Ben Roope Election Clerk
  • “That’s great news for people like me whose pockets are bulging from excess money in a most unsightly manner.”

    Tessa Langan Celluloid Trimmer

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