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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Google Launches Subscription Music Service

Google unveiled a new streaming music service Wednesday called Google Play Music All Access to compete against Spotify and Pandora, though it will notably not offer users a free option. What do you think?

  • “Just the other day, I was wondering where I could listen to music online but pay for it.”

    Giles Gottlieb Goggles Assembler
  • “I don’t like streaming services. There’s just nothing quite like owning the original MP3.”

    Ben Roope Election Clerk
  • “That’s great news for people like me whose pockets are bulging from excess money in a most unsightly manner.”

    Tessa Langan Celluloid Trimmer

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