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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Google Launches Subscription Music Service

Google unveiled a new streaming music service Wednesday called Google Play Music All Access to compete against Spotify and Pandora, though it will notably not offer users a free option. What do you think?

  • “Just the other day, I was wondering where I could listen to music online but pay for it.”

    Giles Gottlieb Goggles Assembler
  • “I don’t like streaming services. There’s just nothing quite like owning the original MP3.”

    Ben Roope Election Clerk
  • “That’s great news for people like me whose pockets are bulging from excess money in a most unsightly manner.”

    Tessa Langan Celluloid Trimmer

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