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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Google Refuses To Turn Over Records To Government

Internet search-engine giant Google is refusing to turn over their records to the Justice Department, raising major privacy concerns for Web users. What do you think?

  • "The government has no business knowing that I keep forgetting my utility company's Web address."

    Jerry Ashworth Motion Capture Animation
  • "Those are some ballsy multi-billionaires."

    Jeanette Coen Counter Person
  • "Man, the government is gonna feel dumb when they see my search for 'the+government+sucks+dick.'"

    Kevin Gander Barber

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