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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Google, Sprint Announce Mobile Phone Payment Service

Google announced yesterday that it would be rolling out a system in which people could pay for items with their Sprint Android phones. What do you think?

  • "Now the day's finally arrived when I can yell, 'I just bought paper towels with my phone!' at the grocery store."

    Gina Hooper Systems Analyst
  • "I don't much like this idea. What if I accidentally butt-buy a bunch of high-end salad spinners or something?"

    Leon Savage Sugar Presser
  • "I'd like to use this service to purchase a new phone, but I wouldn't want to humiliate my current phone like that."

    Brett Andridge Factory Helper

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