adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Google, Sprint Announce Mobile Phone Payment Service

Google announced yesterday that it would be rolling out a system in which people could pay for items with their Sprint Android phones. What do you think?

  • "Now the day's finally arrived when I can yell, 'I just bought paper towels with my phone!' at the grocery store."

    Gina Hooper Systems Analyst
  • "I don't much like this idea. What if I accidentally butt-buy a bunch of high-end salad spinners or something?"

    Leon Savage Sugar Presser
  • "I'd like to use this service to purchase a new phone, but I wouldn't want to humiliate my current phone like that."

    Brett Andridge Factory Helper

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close