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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Google To Open Retail Stores

Sources are reporting that Google will open a chain of brick-and-mortar stores throughout North America to sell the company’s tech products, with several flagship locations opening in major metropolitan areas in time for this year’s holiday season. What do you think?

  • “They’ll do fine. The Dress Barn started out as a search engine too, and now look at them.”

    James Frakes Drapery Cutter
  • “I hope their signs out front change every day.”

    Philip Dorn Meat Grader
  • “Google better knock this one out of the park. Otherwise, they’re fucked.”

    Geri Burton Systems Analyst

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