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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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GOP Argues Against 9/11 Hero Care

Saying it might help people who were undeserving, Republican congressmen spoke out against a proposed health care program for rescue workers who responded to the 9/11 terrorist attacks. What do you think?

  • "Well, of course. If you extend health benefits to 9/11 heroes, next you'll be providing free lifetime benefits to veterans."

    Vadim Coronado Commercial Sales Specialist
  • "That's why I always get a monetary guarantee in writing up front before I rush to save anyone's life."

    Jason Headly Mechanic
  • "I think the fact that Republicans have worn "FDNY" T-shirts, buttons, and hats for almost 10 years now is support enough for the well-being of rescuers."

    Paula Thomson Payroll Analyst

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