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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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GOP To Spend $10 Million Reaching Out To Minorities

Following an “autopsy” of the party’s defeat in last year’s presidential election, the Republican National Committee earmarked $10 million to bring the party’s message to African-Americans, Hispanics, and Asian-Americans in cities throughout the country. What do you think?

  • “I’m not sure I like the idea of political groups spending money to influence election outcomes.”

    Georgina Federman Needle Polisher
  • “The best ideas always come out of autopsies.”

    Shane Puluti Hair Sample Matcher
  • “Yeah, 20 million stress balls that say ‘GOP Hearts Colored People’ ought to do it.”

    Huey Rose University Dean

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