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GOP To Spend $10 Million Reaching Out To Minorities

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

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PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

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PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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GOP To Spend $10 Million Reaching Out To Minorities

Following an “autopsy” of the party’s defeat in last year’s presidential election, the Republican National Committee earmarked $10 million to bring the party’s message to African-Americans, Hispanics, and Asian-Americans in cities throughout the country. What do you think?

  • “I’m not sure I like the idea of political groups spending money to influence election outcomes.”

    Georgina Federman Needle Polisher
  • “The best ideas always come out of autopsies.”

    Shane Puluti Hair Sample Matcher
  • “Yeah, 20 million stress balls that say ‘GOP Hearts Colored People’ ought to do it.”

    Huey Rose University Dean

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