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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Gore For President

Vice President Al Gore plans to formally announce his bid for the presidency on June 16. What do you think about Gore running in 2000?
  • "Sure, what the hell? This Gore guy couldn't be any worse than the losers we have in office now."

    Gary Podesto Locksmith
  • "Why are you asking me who should be president? It's not like I have any input in the matter."

    Jacqueline Effman Legal Secretary
  • "He should definitely be elected. Gore and Hillary would make a great couple."

    Liz Myrick Dialysis Technician
  • "You mean we're still having presidents after this whole Lewinsky scandal?"

    Neil Krasnow Systems Analyst
  • "Gore vs. Bush... the same choice I have to face in selecting my pay-per-view movies every night."

    Keith Talley Mechanic
  • "We must elect Gore. Jay Leno has barely scratched the surface of joking about his stiff and wooden disposition. Four more years!"

    Bruce McDonough Metallurgist

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