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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Government Admits To Using Drones In U.S.

FBI Director Robert Mueller admitted yesterday that his agency uses unmanned aerial vehicles for surveillance within the United States, stating that the agency’s drones are used “very seldom” and in a “very minimal way.” What do you think?

  • “Outrageous. All domestic surveillance vehicles should have people inside.”

    George Curfman Mincemeat Maker
  • “Well as long as it’s in a ‘very minimal way.’ Otherwise, can you imagine how unsettling this would be?”

    Jojo Gilliam Piano Assembler
  • “I’m kind of upset about this, but I’m sure they paid a lot of money for those drones, so they should probably get some use out of them.”

    Dennis Raschilla Unemployed

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