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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Government Approves Sale Of Powdered Alcohol

The U.S. Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau has approved a new product nicknamed “Palcohol,” a powdered alcohol that can be added to water to create mixed drinks or ingested by eating or snorting. What do you think?

  • “The alcohol in bottles still works pretty well, too.”

    Cynthia Postlethwaite Funeral Planner
  • “Can they also make a powdered cheesesteak that I can inhale at 3 a.m.?”

    Donald Ripley Unemployed
  • “Sorry, but I just don’t see people snorting things for fun.”

    Matthew Flanner Application Processor

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