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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Government Approves Sale Of Powdered Alcohol

The U.S. Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau has approved a new product nicknamed “Palcohol,” a powdered alcohol that can be added to water to create mixed drinks or ingested by eating or snorting. What do you think?

  • “The alcohol in bottles still works pretty well, too.”

    Cynthia Postlethwaite Funeral Planner
  • “Can they also make a powdered cheesesteak that I can inhale at 3 a.m.?”

    Donald Ripley Unemployed
  • “Sorry, but I just don’t see people snorting things for fun.”

    Matthew Flanner Application Processor
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