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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Government Collects Citizens’ Phone Records

According to a top secret court ruling issued at the request of the FBI, Verizon has been ordered to hand over mobile and landline phone records of all of its customers to the National Security Agency. What do you think?

  • “As long as the phone numbers are listed numerically and not by what they spell out, I should be fine.”

    Al Steedman Bursar
  • “I hope the FBI rewards me for my savvy use of nighttime and weekend minutes.”

    Paul Hammer Putty Glazer
  • “Is nothing top secret anymore?”

    Lisa Archerd Unemployed

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