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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Government Reopens

With the United States just hours from hitting the debt ceiling, the House of Representatives voted to pass a bipartisan spending bill drafted in the Senate, funding the government until Jan. 15 and raising the debt ceiling until Feb. 7. What do you think?

  • “It feels great to be out of that crisis and back to just being on the verge of crisis.”

    Amy Renna Decontaminator
  • “At last, the nightmare I barely noticed is over.”

    Lucius Riserbato Net Maker
  • “Democracy is back, baby!”

    Wolf Kupersmith Unemployed

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