Governor Declares April ‘Confederate Heritage Month’

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Governor Declares April ‘Confederate Heritage Month’

Mississippi governor Phil Bryant has submitted a proposal to make April “Confederate Heritage Month” in order to “reflect upon our nation’s past” and “gain insight from our mistakes and successes.” What do you think?

  • “I love hearing news about Mississippi!”

    Henry Salter Basketball Texturer
  • “For too long we have failed to honor those brave souls who paid the ultimate price so that others couldn’t be free.”

    Randy Tull Synopsis Condenser
  • “But I already put all my Confederate flags away for the season.”

    Alice Tenney Agricultural Clerk

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