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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Governor Of 'Broke' State Hires Donor's Dropout Son

Despite Gov. Scott Walker’s repeated claims that the State of Wisconsin is broke, his administration recently gave the college-dropout son of lobbyist and campaign donor Jerry Deschane an $81,500-a-year job overseeing environmental and regulatory matters. What do you think?

  • "Oh, my God! If you convert that from Midwest dollars, it's like $200,000 a year!"

    Mike Newsome Soundscape Artist
  • "Those who argue that hiring an unqualified dropout for such a high-level position is irrational clearly haven’t thought through how much Scott Walker disdains the environment and regulations."

    Dan Hollis Largesse Recipient
  • "You see, Wisconsin state employees? That's where many of you went wrong. You finished college."

    Jason Freeman Driver

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