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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Governor Of 'Broke' State Hires Donor's Dropout Son

Despite Gov. Scott Walker’s repeated claims that the State of Wisconsin is broke, his administration recently gave the college-dropout son of lobbyist and campaign donor Jerry Deschane an $81,500-a-year job overseeing environmental and regulatory matters. What do you think?

  • "Oh, my God! If you convert that from Midwest dollars, it's like $200,000 a year!"

    Mike Newsome Soundscape Artist
  • "Those who argue that hiring an unqualified dropout for such a high-level position is irrational clearly haven’t thought through how much Scott Walker disdains the environment and regulations."

    Dan Hollis Largesse Recipient
  • "You see, Wisconsin state employees? That's where many of you went wrong. You finished college."

    Jason Freeman Driver

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