‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Released

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

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TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Released

The highly anticipated new installment of the popular Grand Theft Auto series, rumored to be the most expensive video game ever made, went on sale today. What do you think?

  • “It’s nice to have a distraction from the hyperviolence of our society.”

    Summer Marshall
    Orthotic Fitter
  • “It’ll be worth the wait as soon as I get my hands around a hooker’s throat and choke her until she gives me her money.”

    Stanley Gibbs
    Unemployed
  • “Don’t tell me what happens—I’m still on Grand Theft Auto III.”

    Donovan Thorpe
    Trapeze Artist
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