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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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‘Grand Theft Auto V’ Released

The highly anticipated new installment of the popular Grand Theft Auto series, rumored to be the most expensive video game ever made, went on sale today. What do you think?

  • “It’s nice to have a distraction from the hyperviolence of our society.”

    Summer Marshall Orthotic Fitter
  • “It’ll be worth the wait as soon as I get my hands around a hooker’s throat and choke her until she gives me her money.”

    Stanley Gibbs Unemployed
  • “Don’t tell me what happens—I’m still on Grand Theft Auto III.”

    Donovan Thorpe Trapeze Artist

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